Look, you and I both know adopting me would be a bad idea. No, I hear you- “I’m torn, Peepers. You’re just so darn cute.” I get it.

But do you REALLY want something this cute in your house? What if I outshine your decor? What if I outshine your children?

Think about it. Who wants to spend their time playing with cats? Like, sure, you COULD watch me go nuts over a feather… or you could watch a fifth straight episode of 90-Day Fiancee. Just as much drama, less interaction.

And isn’t it nice coming home and having nobody to greet you at the door? I mean, if you adopted me, I’d come running every day and be all excited to see you and UGH. You need SPACE. Why would you want to be around someone who LOVES you? Ew.

Even if you did want a cat, you should probably get one that doesn’t like other animals or people- certainly not one like me, who gets along with everyone. With them, you’ll have a built-in excuse- “Sorry, I can’t adopt another cat/have a baby/have anyone over to my house/date you. It’s not you- it’s my cat.” With me, you’ve got none of that- I love everyone! You can get five more cats if you want! Foster puppies! Host birthday parties! And if you don’t want to… you’ll have to come up with your own excuses.

One more reason: I’m five year old. I’m not a kitten anymore- I’m straight-up elderly. Bust out the Bengay and put a down payment on a burial plot because at five whole years old, I might only have what- fifteen? years left to live? It’s too bad you didn’t get me two months ago when I was only four and still had my life ahead of me.

What’s that? You STILL think you might want to give it a try? Well, there’s no reasoning with some people, I guess. Why don’t you come and meet me and you can see for yourself? My name is Peepers, I’m neutered, up to date on shots, and fully vetted,