Are you in a rut? Lonely? Life starting to feel a little tedious? Well, my name is Grande and I’ve got an offer you’d be a fool to pass up! Maybe your bed is a little too spacious. Maybe you think your mailman seems suspicious (frankly, I agree) and you need someone to keep him at bay. Maybe your walks in the park are too efficient and you wish you had someone to remind you to stop and sniff the roses.  Fear not, noble human, because I’m here to tell you the secret to happiness: Introducing THE DOG ®! The Dog’s patented design features a wagging tail, slobbery tongue for maximum kissing power, and a lot of soft fur for comfort. And now, for a limited time only, you can get the ultra-premium Caramel-Colored Gangly Teen Edition! By which, of course, I mean… Me. Grande. Featuring long legs, a handful of pre-loaded commands, and the fastest zoomies in the lower 48, the Gangly Teen edition is highly customizable and can be trained to do many marvelous things! It cuddles! It snacks! It showers you with love!  This offer is so astounding that I GUARANTEE if you go with the Grande option, you’ll be so satisfied that you won’t need any other pets! (well… maybe a very socially-savvy dog. I like other dogs, but can sometimes be too enthusiastic and disrespectful of boundaries when playing)  Now, for one easy payment of $149.99 plus shipping and handling, YOU could have a best friend, protector, alarm clock, personal trainer, and bed warmer!

My name is Grande, I’m a year old, and I’m spayed, up to date on shots, and fully vetted.